you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
