the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
