Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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