true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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