i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize