I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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