I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize