Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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