i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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