dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
