I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
