So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
