if you like me you must not know who I am
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
