I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
