Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
