Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
