I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
