I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
