I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
