i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
