how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize