I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
