I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
NoShamevember. You game?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
