She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
