Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
