yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
