I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize