i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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