The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
