1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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