Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
