omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just tell him i said nine months
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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