mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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