So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my phone needs a breathalizer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
