'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
