I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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