Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
