brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
