today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
