im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
