so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
