Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
