what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize