A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
