tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
