I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize