when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
