I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize