my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize