i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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