I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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