I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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