I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
