Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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