a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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