This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize