Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
third nipple confirmed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
