they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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